Sink me, another diary feature!

You may have seen that Alice Bee has started a"land on every planet" runof Bethesda’sStarfield.

It’s a fast travel loading screen you’re able to fly about in.

An image of a ship exploding in Starfield

But what if you double-down on the space stuff?

How well does Starfield scrub up as a thoroughbred space sim that leans towards bloodthirsty piracy?

Here to answer these questions is Mary Read, my custom character and budding astral freebooter.

An image of a player character called Mary Read in Starfield, wearing a spacesuit and holding a shotgun.

She’s named for her distant ancestor, the legendary 18th century English buccaneer Mary Read.

Haha, this will be like taking candy from a ba-GREAT JENNY’S TEACUP!

The freighter reacts to my playful bit of skyway robbery with a point-blank fusillade of missiles and lasers.

Cover image for YouTube video

Blow me down, Bethesda, what have you been feeding your freighters?

This isn’t how it’s supposed to go.

I head to Saturn, and immediately get into difficulties with the United Colonies security forces.

An image of a freighter shooting rockets at the player’s spaceship in Starfield.

A pack of Longsword ships make a beeline for my position.

One hails me and demands that they let me escort them to meet some admiral or other.

Hold on, this isn’t a routine cargo inspection.

An image of the player’s ship exploding in Starfield.

I weigh my chances against the UC’s sleek interceptors and decide to cut and run.

It’s only normal rocket travel to other planets that’s forbidden during combat.)

Bless my binnacle, I’m caught in my very own Space Pirate’s Groundhog Day!

An image of the player’s ship exploding in Starfield.

But doing this without shredding the other craft proves fiddly.

And it’s partly because, gah, I don’t know.

What am I missing?

An image of the player’s ship exploding near Saturn in Starfield.

The game’s navigation and scanner HUDs are violently confusing.

In one HUD, clicking the right stick performs vital mid-combat hull repairs.

In the other, it engages Photo Mode.

An image of three blue-white United Colonies ships in Starfield, floating in formation close to the player’s craft.

Your helmsman clipped an asteroid, you say?

Why certainly, I can assist with repairs.

Let me just position myself behind you so I can transfer the parts and - oh whoops.

The player targeting a spaceship’s systems in Starfield.

The game also considerately feeds me a fewinter-factional dust-upswhere I can, in theory, pick a winner.

There’s nothing for it.

“It’s been a long time since I had company,” she sighs.

The player destroying a spaceship in Starfield.

So I take a stab at murder her in cold blood, and she escapes to hyperspace.

Let’s do this properly next time, Dr Banglawala.

Then I encounter a Settler Econohaul.

An image of the player’s ship exploding in Starfield.

The ship’s captain isn’t important enough to have a name, and the vessel is barely armed.

The minutes and hours fly past like pieces of shattered hull.

Am I doomed just to eke out my nautical career harvesting bits of blown-up space lorry?

An image of the player talking to a side character, Dr Sohla Banglawala, in Starfield. The doctor is requesting geological samples.

Might as well go test the waters down Mercury way.

Hmm, what do we have here, a UC Transpo.

I mean, it’s what I’d do.

An image of the player in dialogue with an enemy ship captain in Starfield. The other captain is refusing to hand over their cargo.

It’s what a sensible person would do.

But it occurs to me that Bethesda NPCs aren’t celebrated for being sensible.

OK, UC Transpo, let’s rid you of those engines - bang bang bang.

An image of the player’s spaceship docking with a civilian vessel in Starfield.

Now, which HUD mode am I supposed to be using again?

Hang on, has that “Dock” prompt been there all along?

Oh my god oh my god.

An image of a player boarding a spaceship in Starfield, with a dead crew member in the foreground and another running down a hallway behind.

Avast, ye bilge-sucking star plankton!

Come back here and take your medicine, ye sons of biscuits.

Look, just come back.

An image of a transport ship in the player’s hangar menu in Starfield.

I really need this.

The vessel is mine!

I promptly cut my starting ship loose and plot a fresh course to Mars.

I’m a real pirate, mum.

Now to pop swing open the Hangar menu and consider my prize.

It’s a piece of shit!