Mary Read vs the laws of physics
Oh god, I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry.
I’m trying to fix it.
Oh, hello everybody!
When last we caught up with this galloping galactic nuisance, Mary wasbeginning to lose momentum.
My initial hope was to solidifythe game’s weirdly intangible asteroidssomehow, and build outposts on them.
It’s been a couple hours since then, and well, everything has gone awonk.
I’m not even playing Starfield anymore.
Instead, I am playing a very special, inadvertentStarfield modof my own devising.
Working title: “Totally Fucked”.
Let’s wind back the clock to where I last left you.
I think it’s the happiest I’ve seen her in weeks.
Me, I’m all about the onions.
Blame Carol Ann Duffy.
They won’t even move when I shoot lasers at them.
Space onions are a different breed, it seems.
Screw asteroid bases - I’m going to found my interstellar Tortuga on a massive, indestructible vegetable.
But the command won’t take.
Now there’s an Act 4 escalation I’d have liked to implement.
Perhaps I can lay down multiple layers of onions and expand this frail foothold into a super-stinky space fortress?
I pull back the view for effect, take some melancholy photos, and cast about myself for ideas.
And it’s at this point that the trouble starts.
I have to say, the “guard pilot” AI in Starfield lacks for a certain… gravitas.
So what am I bothering with airlocks for?
Say goodbye to Mary Read the Space Pirate!
Say hello to Mary Read the Pirate Ghost!
I decide to put this misguided notion to test on the idling UC ship.
Or maybe “coasted” is more like it.
It takes minutes to cross distances that take a second in your ship.
But wait a minute, I have a console command for that - “player.setav speedmult”.
Starfield, to its credit, attempts to rescue me.
“Open planet map?”
the game bleats, as I curse and fire my thrusters, to no avail.
Sorry, but Mary isn’t going to break her no-planets oath over sometrivialitylike shattering the laws of physics.
“Fast-travel to ship?”
A fine suggestion, Starfield!
But unfortunately Mary still has the approximate mass of an aircraft carrier, so fast-travelling is off-limits.
I guess I could dump my inventory, but nuts to that, a pirate never discards her booty!
It’s at this point that I make my second great error.
Oh hell, I’veput the whole solar system into fast-forward.
I switch off collision detection again, gobble down a few healthpacks and have a go at take stock.
Demented physics aside, I am straddling a disconnect between the simulation and the interfacial layer.
I am neither inside nor outside the game.
It feels like in pain.
I am helpless to ease its distress.
I have to get back to my ship, but the movement controls have gone mad.
I can’t seem to apply counter-thrust and send myself in the other direction.
But after a bit more fumbling, I discover that I can move forward by boosting while turning.
Until I remember that in Starfield, weapon recoil affects your body when shooting in zero-G.
There it is, an almost imperceptible deceleration, a passing breath of something like normie physics.
Blessed Coachman, you’re always here for me.
The shotgun recoil is still wildly overclocked, mind you.
It’s just as well I have ammo to spare.
I’m desperate to settle Mary behind the Venture’s controls.
I’m hoping the game’s spaceflight systems have escaped the catastrophic effects of my Console Commanding.
The fucker is gloating!
Well, after what I’ve put Mary through, I can’t send her home empty-handed.
And it’s here that I make my most terrible discovery so far.
By the beard of Neptune!
It’s a ghost ship!
