I soon found myself settling into an existential crisis, reminiscent of my tumultuous stint in retail.
In the vain hopes of gaining a higher purpose in Lethal Company, I stumbled across the’Needy Cats’mod.
Essentially thismodadds a variety of cats to your game that will wander around the facilities and yelp for attention.
Could this be the prequel to Lethal Company?
Or maybe I just wanted to look at cute cats instead of terrifying mannequin monsters.
Either way, the cats needed help.
What follows is a diary log of my adventures which soon lead to increasing madness and ultimately, disaster.
Day one: So it begins
“Welcome to your first day on the job!”
cheerfully loops through my ship’s intercom.
I set a course for Dine.
Whilst this moon usually costs a hefty fee to visit, I believe in free travel for everyone.
The planet is flooded.
Reminds me of the UK.
I gain access to a creepy, abandoned mansion and start to scan each room.
Not a single cat in sight.
I’m starting to question if I’ve installed the mod correctly.
There’s currently an eclipse but my day can’t get much worse.
Nevermind, it can.
There’s a giant death dog outside.
I’m not afraid though - I have just the thing to handle this.
I dip into the cat charity funds and get myself a jetpack.
It’s for a good cause.
I zip past the devil dog and soar into the sky.
Day three: No more jetpacks
Death is for dummies.
I set a course for Dine, with the hope it will go better this time.
As I enter the mansion I’m full of confidence.
Nothing can stop me.
He carefully slips his hand into his shirt pocket and reveals a knife.
He brandishes it at me and starts running.
Jeez, these fellas can movefast.
I laugh and let him come at me.
What do I have to fear now?
But as the butler keeps thrashing at me wildly, it becomes annoying.
The music is going crazy, trapped in a repetitive screech.
It’s a sensory nightmare.
I asked for immortality.
This nightmare will never stop.
I venture to wriggle, jump and slide out from under the bug but it’s no use.
Day one: So it begins, again
“Welcome to your first day on the job!
“, the game mocks me.
This is a parallel universe, one where I findat leastone cat in this cursed galaxy.
“Pull yourself together,” I tell myself.
“It’s for the kittens!”.
The music swells and I hear the coil of a spring.
My blood runs cold.
As I’m about to give up for good I hear it… A little meow.
I search everywhere, getting frantic.
And as I re-enter the facility, I see her!
A beautiful black kitty.
It squeezes the life out of me.
I swear to myself that I will start looking at ceilings before moving from now on.
Day two: My precious
I decide to land on Experimentation again.
I doubt I’ll see the same black kitty, but clearly the place is capable of spawning them.
A beautiful white cat called Felix (how fitting) yelps from atop one of the shelving units.
I also place a can of cat food beside him - but now there’s one more problem.
I have one day to meet the scrap quota or we’ll both be ejected from the airlock.
Day three: Desperate measures
I get straight to business.
Not wanting to take any unnecessary risks, I set a course for a relatively peaceful moon named Vow.
I’ve only gone and done it!
Day four: Chaos is a ladder
I have a new quota and a new kitty companion.
With a beaker and whoopie cushion in my pockets, I feel good about my run so far.
But then I met Ziggy.
Yes, I once agan hear the telltale meow of a cat in distress.
A black cat called Ziggy is wandering in the basement of a facility, near a bunch of lockers.
I grab him with no hesitation, and bring him back to his new adoptive sibling.
But I really need to meet the new quota.
Rather disturbingly, I realise that the cats count as ‘scrap’ and can be sold.
I make another vow never to test this theory out.
I cannot deal with the image of a cat getting snatched by The Company’s tentacled monster.
Day five: All is lost
I start the day with a bit of light decorating.
A little plushie for Ziggy and Felix to cuddle up to.
A cute Jack-o-lantern lamp.
Then I go back to Vow, not wanting to risk my run at this point.
As I explore the facility I see a large blob of sentient goo, sliming towards me.
“Hmm,” I think, “No problem.
The Godmode protects against slime”.
My heart sinks as the screen goes red and I see the death cutscene.
I had forgotten to reactivate Godmode.
My heart sinks, but I’m hopeful.
That is until I load back into the ship with Ziggy and Felix nowhere to be found.
Nothing remaining but the silly Jack-o-lantern, his cheerful smile now seeming to leer at me and my stupidity.
I’m not sure what the game does to said scrap.
But it seems unlikely.
I think it’s safe to say that the cat rescue life just isn’t for me.
